Essay of the Dead

I wrote this essay two years ago for Emily. It's still pretty awesome.

Essay of the Dead

As long as George A. Romero continues to make zombie films and Max Brooks
continues to write his theories of the zombie apocalypse, the question
becomes more common: “Is a zombie apocalypse possible?” Some would argue
that it's not possible, but the more you delve into the subject, the more it
becomes possible. If, say, “Patient Zero” is infected with a zombie-like
virus, whether it be a rabies type virus or the Solanum (the virus strain
that 'causes the typical zombie, for the non-horror fans) virus itself, said
patient could easily infect the entire hospital. Since most hospitals aren't
prepared for a zombie outbreak, would they know to kill and burn the
infected body? Would they know to constrain the patient and isolate them
away from other patients? If the outbreak happens, the zombie apocalypse is
inevitable.

A slightly mutated strain of the rabies virus, such as a rage virus, could
become a cause of a zombie apocalypse, which could cause more aggressive
humans who may not eat the flesh of their victims, but will surely attack
innocent bystanders. All victims will become infected and will continue to
attack and produce more strong, fast, and angry zombies. If, on the other
hand, the Solanum virus does develop, the threat may not be so terrifying.
The Solanum virus causes weaker, slower zombies who only know one thing: eat
flesh. The Solanum infected zombies will be much easier to defend against
and easier to destroy. In either case, however, the virus will spread
rapidly and each attack will create another flesh eating zombie.

What effects will this cause on modern society though? Besides the obvious
possibility of becoming infected yourself, the other main concern is the
publics reaction. Some may get so scared that they have no idea what to do
and will stay in their homes with out boarding up the windows or locking all
the doors. Others may try and be the hero and try to attack the zombies, but
will they know to destroy the brain or remove the head? The biggest concern
is that some civilians will rob and destroy stores which would be the main
source of supplies. I mean, isn't that what you would do? Who wouldn't want
to go steal all the food and money for themselves? Well, every person is
going to be thinking the same exact thing, which in the long run means that
supplies will deplete quickly.

Another main threat is how will the Government react? Will we have the
typical cowboy president who will decide to just bomb the infected city? Or
will major companies see a possibility of a major financial income in
selling some zombie free properties, weapons, and barricades? Imagine a
military controlled Costco selling razor wire fences and motion sensing
weapons. It seems that both are very possible and plausible, seeing as how
all natural resources will become harder to come by and all public services
will diminish. With no new source of supplies, groceries, and weapons how
will people survive? Farming would be an almost impossible task if the
zombies decide to munch on the brains of cattle and poultry. Farmers would
not be able to use open lands to grow produce. Impenetrable fences will have
to be built and pre-existing tools and vehicles will have to be upgraded.
Typical tractors wont be any use without some kind of defensive weapons
attached to them. A .50 caliber gun attached, maybe? Education will surely
come to a halt with the teachers trying to attack the students. So how will
our generation improve at all? All historic figures could be forgotten and
young children may not learn how to read and write. Reproduction may not be
possible in a zombie-infected environment, seeing as how infants would not
last long amongst a zombie horde. Surely infection isn't the biggest
concern.

All these effects could not only cause a zombie apocalypse, but the
de-evolution of man kind. Without education continuing, younger survivors
will not be able to learn the typical curriculum. Without major farming
companies, fast food chains, and food industries in general, starvation will
become a major concern. If more power driven survivors get their hands on
weapons, they may rob and possibly kill other survivors. So, is the virus
itself the biggest thing to worry about, or are there bigger concerns? Our
country for sure is not ready for a zombie outbreak and neither is any
country. So it's for you decide, not only is it possible, but are you
prepared for World War Z?

M. Night Shymalan and Text books. Two very stupid things.

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Old ass song I found. And some really cool pictures to go along with it.

I found this song I wrote last year when I was all into trying to get a band going. I kind of like it still, except the end gets lame.

Ever since High School I've been so hard pressed

And all the shit you say just makes me depressed.

'Cause I don't give a fuck about boys going flacid

Or the time you shit your pants cause you tripped on Acid.

I get that you think that it sets you free,

but that kind of shit just don't appeal to me.

I spent all night glued to my tv

With all these Halo fuckers owning me,

you'd think that I'd grow up eventually,

but it beats beer pong at some lame party.

I wont get out of bed for quite a while,

'cause I just pirated a new X-files

So mulder, scully, and I will spend the night

Wallowing in pity till we feel alright

And you called me up the other day

you critique my life and then you say

"you can't live like this, your friends all worried

and your mother seemed pissed.

It's almost 3PM and you're still asleep

will you ever grow up or are you just on repeat?

and some sweet pictures I found. You'll have to click on them to see the whole picture.

The Dark Knight Rises

----------EDIT----- Apparently you'll have to click on each individual photo to see it in all it's glory.

They announced yesterday that the villains in the Dark Knight Rises will be Catwoman and Bane. This is pretty fucking awesome. Christopher Nolan keeps the graphic novels very well, which is very bad news for Bruce Wayne, because Bane fucked his shit up. Let me start off by saying Bane is not the piece of shit dumb fuck that you have seen in previous Batman flicks. No, this guy is fucking SMART. He takes over the entire gangster underground (which have had a major role in both movies so far) and is the only *physical* threat Batman has ever had. And SPOILER ALERT***** Bane fucking breaks Batman's back. IN TWO DIFFERENT STORIES! In the comic series he straight up tosses Batman off of Wayne Enterprise for half of Gotham City to see and he's not wearing a mask when this happens. And in the Graphic Novel (which monsieur Nolan has kept with) Bane breaks Batman's back over his fucking knee. Hahahaha.

Just like sew. Or so. Whatever the fuck it is. Anyway, shit's getting bad really quick for The Gotham Knight. Or Dark Knight. Whichever you like. I'm pretty excited for the Bane character. He'll get the movie role he deserves.

However, Catwoman?? And Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? I don't know how I feel about this.

Can you picture that being Anne Hathaway? I can't really. But as soon as I see Publicity photo's of her in her outfit I'll probably jizz in my pants.

And speaking of Jizz in the pants. Yesterday while I had a break in my classes I went to East Hills Mall in Bakersfield to kill some time. I had heard there was this awesome game store that sold old ass SNES games and was pretty stoked on getting one. But I never in my life expected to find this. Out of the corner of my eye I see this from the food court.

A Princess Leia life size cardboard cut out. I immediately walked in and just fucking got blown away. I'll post all the pictures at the end, but let me explain this to you. It is a HUGE comic book/vinyl record store and HALF OF THE FUCKING STORE IS STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES AND COMICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had signed posters/figures/comics you name it, these guys had it. I fully plan on blowing at least 50 there on Tuesday when I go down to school. Just browse the photos to see how awesome it is.

Queen of the Dead

I'm going to start this post off by embarrassing myself and admitting that I am currently watching Queen of the Damned. It's so terrible it's not even funny. Lestat the vampire sings in the singer of Korns voice for some reason. Haha.

Lately in Arkansas they've been finding the bodies of dead birds just falling from the sky and dead fish washing up on shore. And I just looked more into it. It's not even just in Arkansas. In Sweden, the US, and New Zealand hundreds of birds are just dropping dead and "millions" of fish are washing up on shore. I don't know how to explain this. Zombies simply have nothing to do with it and this I know for sure. However, there are other scary possibilities. Aliens, the Apocalypse, or some really fucking deadly disease that could take us out just as easily.

Aliens are a lot smarter than Zombies (if they exist that is) and I'm not sure if hiding or going about my own personal Zombie survival *to be posted in a future update* will do shit to save anyone. The Apocalypse is even worse because there's really not a damn thing we can do about it. Long story short (because I'm ridiculously tired and it's almost 4:30am) this is getting to be pretty weird and something is going to happen soon and none of us are going to know what it is or what to do..

August 31st, 2010

Wow, I can't believe I forgot about this. Every one (meaning no one, 'cause no one reads this) is probably out of the loop. I was living (safely) in a trailer for a couple months, moved to a house, got the boot, now I live on a futon in my parents guest room. Completely fucked if my parents turn into Zombies, because their room is before mine and mine is in the very back of the house, so I'd have to break out of the window in order to get out of the house, which would just make a lot of fucking noise.

I'm in school now.. And there are a lot of unsafe spots in school. And a LOT of 20 year old Mexicans at BC. That's a lot of Mexican Zombies.

Some fat, fake blonde, ugly country singer is trying to do a country version of "Crossroads"

The Mexican zombies aren't looking so bad now.

March 31st, 2010

I haven't updated in a while, because I DIED!

Just kidding, I've been M.I.A. because no body was following and I feel like I am updating to myself. Like some sick Zombie diary, that had way too much to do with St. Louis. I'm back in shitty ol' Tehachapi, Ca. now.

Apparently they found some dead guy on the side of the highway the other day.. You know what that means? Zombies.

Tomorrow is April Fool's day, I want to find someone that does really sick makeup and walk around looking like a zombie and pretend I'm going to eat people's brains.

Lets see how many times I get punched.

March 14th, 2010

Discovered that there is a Zombie farm on Facebook today. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure if it's a positive or a negative when it comes to my social status, but it's fucking sick. Honestly, I'm tempted to create a fake account for it though, that way people can't see how addicted to it I get, 'cause it'll be embarrassing, I'll be logged in on that shit like 24/7. Don't tell anyone

Also, some cops up the street were doing some DWI testing. In my mind I was freaking out thinking that it was some Zombie check for some escaped Zombie. Shit's a lot scarier than you'd think. No-freakin-bueno.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 did an episode on a movie titled "Zombie Nightmare" the movie was fucking hilarious and the Zombie was for some reason a very skilled serial killer. Of course Tom, Crow, and Joel ripped the movie to shreds. I really miss MST3K. I decided I'm going to watch all 198 episodes. I'm psyched.

I need some fucking followers, I just look like an idiot right now updating to myself.

March 13th, 2010

I've been giving it a lot of thought and I am very glad that super heroes don't exist.

'Cause if there was a zombie super hero, I'd just shit my pants.

March 12th, 2010 part three

When humanity dies off from Zombies, I am going to photo shop myself into a lot of famous photos. One from each sport, one from several different bands, and one on Taylor Lautner's body.

That way when the rebirth happens, people will assume I was awesome at everything.

March 12th, 2010 cont.

I wonder if when Zombies take over the world if all the slayer games on Halo 3 will be

-Team Zombies

-Zombie Capture the Brain (CTF mod.)

-Zombie Hardcore

-Team Z.W.A.T.

-Team Znipers

-Ranked Zombies

And Call of Duty: Zombie Warfare 3?

Just think about it.

March 12th, 2010

Today I was thinking that when all is said and down with the whole virus taking over. Eventually, music shows will come to an end. So I went to this nice little record shop called Vintage Vinyl. I spent some money on some very nice Vinyl and I grabbed some random show fliers. There was one that happened to be tonight, well, last night (March 11th) so I went to the show.

I was pretty nervous at first, because I realized that there is a good chance that I just wasted $7 dollars on really shitty bands. The first act was this too-drunk-to-be-playing-a-show guy playing an acoustic guitar. He played one song and it sounded like early year's connor oberst, like when he recorded those shitty demo's? Except for more shitty. Then after the song some girl came in through the back door and said "Oh, she's finally here!"

Turns out the main singer had been delayed (more than likely getting chased by the infected wanting to munch on some brain waves), so she gets on stage and starts singing. I don't know if you know this, but some girls -think- they can sing, but they really can't. I wont lie, every girl can carry a tune, because they have very beautiful voices, but not all of them are worthy to start a musical act with. Not like the short little zombified Haley Williams, that girl can fuckin' belt a tune. I'm talking more about the girl that has thought she could sing like Mariah Carey since she was about 8.

Back to my story...

Anyway, she sounded terrible. In my mind I thought "stick around for the next band and see what they're like..". Bad.Fucking.Idea. It was a fantasy metal band, but worse. Imagine Lacuna Coil sucking more balls than they do now, while their drummer is wearing completely unnecessary head phones and doing techno drum beats on his lap top that is sitting next to his snare. It was awful. I also found out it was a Christian rock show. Nothing against it, just not my style. So I bailed out faster than I would if I was being chased by a horde.

March 10th, 2010

So zombies are pretty ditzy and retarded right?

So what would happen if a ditzy blonde became a zombie?

ULTIMATE USELESS ZOMBIE!!!!

I said that in the Strong Bad voice to make it have a little more dramatic effect.

March 10th, 2010

I don't care:

-who the fuck you are

-what you've done to me in the past

-if I like you

-if I don't

-if I hate you

-if I love you

-if we had a major fallout

-if we've never talked before

-if future events prevent us from ever meeting

-if you told me you don't like Converge

-if you think comic books are nerdy

-if you think this blog is nerdy

-is you're nerdy

-if you noticed I accidently put "is" instead of "if"

-if you don't even like Zombies

-if you don't like me at all

-if you think I'm an asshole

-if you've called me an asshole.

I don't care whether any of these things are true, but I will be thinking about you when Zombies take over and wondering if you're alright. (Except if you think Zombies and Comics are nerdy. Then you're on your fucking own.)

March 7th, 2010 (cont. pt. 2)

There was a park I went to today, I can't remember what it was called exactly, but it was cool. In the "how cool can parks really be" kind of way. Mostly it was just freakin' ginormous. So it would be a shitty to place to get overrun and have my brain matter chomped to pieces like a bag of M&M's.

This is kind of a bad spot to get stuck the more that I think about it as I try to think of escape routes. For one, there's hundreds of people surrounding me. Literally hundreds. We're smack dab in the middle of several apartment complexes as well as being about 100 yards from "The Loop" which is pretty much a long street occupied by smooth jazz playing bums. A smooth jazz playing zombie with a sax around his neck? I'd take the clown zombie any day. Well... that's actually a tough call. Most of the smooth jazz players have a track playing through a cassette player or a cd player that plays pretty loud. If that's the last thing I hear before I die, I'm going to be fucking pissed. Anyway, back to the story.. It's a shitty place to get stuck because there's hundreds of people. I guess the story is over, I feel like I've already made my point about. Heavily populated areas = shitty spots for hiding when the apocalypse comes about.

A thing I just now thought about is that the entrance to this apartment complex automatically locks behind you, unless you leave the deadbolt out, which wouldn't be such a bad thing except that it could be pulled open. Well, I guess zombies can't really pull a door open, but if they can then it would be shitty. Plus there's a lot of apartments in this building. The zombies would be stuck in the apartments, but eventually I might need to go up there and explore in case the entrance is blocked or I need to check for supplies. Fuck, I don't even know where I can get supplies. I know where I can get Vintage Vinyl records, overly-priced used clothing, and comics. But a gun shop? No. A grocery store? Nope. A store that would possibly have wood that could be used to barricade? Well, I guess yes, but I'd have to break apart wooden chairs and tables to do it, which might be kind of easy to use if it's a big table that's about 8 feet wide. That would be an easy barricade. It would also be heavy as shit to get over here and a car would just bring a LOT of unwanted attention. Balls. Maybe a heavy table isn't a good idea.

Brain storming time.

I'll edit more later.

March 7th, 2010 (cont.)

Right before I fell asleep I realized one thing.

When the takeover happens.. I'm not going to be able to see shit. Eventually my contacts are going to expire and my glasses are no longer accurate. That's one thing they never point out in movies. There's gotta be one person who wears contacts. What does that guy do?

Another thing I was thinking about is all the celebrities who will be infected.. Can you imagine seeing the Kardashian sisters as decaying matter? Much like their tv show (zoom, zoom, zoom).

I honestly thought in Zombieland when they pull up to the house that says "BM", I thought FOR SURE that it was Billy Mays. Too soon? Sorry.

Spending time with Wellie has made me realize he would be a good partner when the spread happens. He can run fast as hell, I just hope he instinctively knows to stay away from the infected. I'm not sure if his bark is that loud or not yet, but he doesn't bark much. I'd just have to keep him away from the windows in case he sees one of them. He's scratching my arm right now. I just took him outside, so I don't know what he wants.. Maybe he just needs love. Mama's boy :)

March 7th, 2010

It's 1:06 am. It's hard falling asleep in a city, in a house, you've never been in before. As if the zombie apocalypse wasn't a big enough worry, every creak makes me think that dick from Paranormal Activity is going to grab my lag and drag me across the floor. Wouldn't that be my fucking luck?

Not sure what's on the schedule for tomorrow. Maybe figure out where the nearest Home Depot is, because if there's a full blown outbreak I need supplies, seeds for vegetables, and some tools of death. It actually wouldn't be a bad idea to hold it down for the underground in a Home Depot. You could build yourself a house up in the steel frames of the aisles that could span the entire store. They'd have no way to get up. There's a ton of farming supplies. There's snack machines. You could even make yourself spare keys to all the markets in town.. given you can take out the proud infected owner of those keys.

Lack of cardio is going to be the death of me.

I need to go to the gym.

March 6th, 2010

Every cough I heard in the Phoenix airport I just imagined all the fucking bacteria slowly getting into all these poor assholes systems.. the solanum slowly killing the body from the inside out. Every elderly person I see walking slowly with a slump in their step I think is already turned.

It hasn't spread to St. Louis yet. Although half these people could have it and no one would ever know. Who knows how long it would take for it to completely kill the body. At any point this virus could take a fucking turn for the worse and pull a full blown shit storm on the planet. Who the fuck cares about terrorists when there's mother fucking brain eating douche bags running (yet to know if they can run) after your ass.

I don't even know the way out of this city if I need to get out.

fuck me sideways.

March 5th, 2010

I have an upcoming trip to St. Louis. I'm partially bothered by being on a plane that could possibly have some creep infected with the virus, but fuck.. Zombie apocalypse or not, I need to get out of Tehachapi. Plus, it's not like they'll turn on the plane, it would be hours after the infected died before he or she would turn. I'd be long gone off that fucking plane by that time.

I have an advantage of living in a trailer. If these fuck's do decide they want to munch on my Medulla Oblangata they'll have a tough time getting into the trailer. The windows are high up, so they can't just break through. I just hope I don't get overrun. I need to think about some sort of makeshift crossway to get from the roof of the trailer to the roof of the house. Maybe just some long ass piece of wood from when James was building the shed.

My biggest concern at this point is a fucking weapon. I own a grand total of zer0.

Fuck me.

February 28th, 2010

As soon as I heard the sirens and saw the lights I knew something was up. The first accident appeared to be just that, an accident. I know better. People don't just run in front of cars for no reason. The bright lights, the sounds of the engines. Victims infected with Solanum are known to be attracted to bright lights and loud noises. The first case was covered up. The news said it was a lack of a stop sign that caused a truck to hit a man who was jaywalking. That's what it appeared to be.

There's no covering up the accident today though. A man was running out on to the highway and got hit by a semi. There's no covering that up. People don't just run out in front of cars, not in the same week. I'll have to keep an eye on the news for more "accidents."